So, it's been a little bit since I last blogged. I had so wanted wanted to pour out my feelings on a regular basis here, but I have discovered that some of the feels that I feel aren't really ready to pour out yet!
So I've just been quietly busy, behind the scenes.... attempting to fill her shoes!
As you can see I've done a little redecorating here. I think Mom would like it! But Mom would be the first to tell you that whenever I have something to do, I will use every stall tactic in the world ... mostly reorganizing and redecorating!
She always compared me to the comic strip, Cathy, because of that very thing!
One would think with as much organizing as I was doing, my house would be immaculately sorted. Unfortunately, it's not, and the worst part is now Mom can see my house at any point she choosed to peek down and check on us. Yikes!
So, I've been "organzing" to prepare to get ready to post in the blog after way too long... So prepare to be inundated with the feels I've been feeling!
Today is Mother's Day and there are a couple of things that I think would make her day! I realize we have to work very hard to make anything as glorious as what she is experiencing now, but these things I think add to the stuff of Heaven around her now...
First, Mom made it clear that she loved me at all times... but if there was one thing she would change about me it would be my weight. And not for any reason other than she wanted me to be healthy. Especially when she became ill, my health, and the way my weight was affecting it became even more of a cause for her.
I don't know what happened to me. I never had an issue with my weight, (except if you count pregnancy weight, but an 11 pound baby tends to come with baggage!) I can't blame my current weight on babies though, because I lost all my baby weight quickly. All I know, is at some point, my metabolism packed up and left.. probably for a quieter stress free life on the beach. And all I was left with was sneaking pounds that latched on and wouldn't leave.
Mom used to bribe me.. "If you lose weight, I will take you shopping for new clothes!" And that was my carrot that was dangled in front of me for years! Had I ever put down the chocolate and grabbed that carrot, Mom could have actually seen me achieve her goal for me!
January 2012. Mom had just left for her Heavenly home, and I was committed to losing weight for her. But you know, grief affects people differently, and apparently it causes me to expand, so instead of losing weight in honor of my mom, I gained. Wrong Direction.
Take 2.. January 2013. My brothers and I made a pact on New Year's Eve. We all downloaded My Fitness Pal onto our phones and became Fitness Friends. We were in this together. My brother's took off, never missing a day of entering their stats. Mike was the first to see amazing results. Mark did as well. I was organizing.
But eventually, I stopped organizing and started working. With the help of my health conscience and exercise addicted son, Dillon I am well on my way to where mom wanted me to be. Healthy! As of today, (Mother's Day) I have lost almost 24 pounds!
And as for Mom's bribe...I don't know if I've ever mentioned her taste in clothes! FABULOUS! And she left me a whole closet... A whole wardrobe! Of course everything was at least 2 sizes too small, but yesterday, for the first time, I wore a pair of her skinny jeans!!! Happy Mother's Day Momma!
And while I know that makes her happy, the next thing makes her heart melt.
Daddy told me that one thing my mom said about her illness was that if it makes all her kids closer, then it was worth it. Not that we were ever NOT close, but we were all just very busy with our own very busy different lives. We would all see each other at holidays and a few days in between, but for the most part our paths were just different and didn't connect all that much.
When Mom got sick, our paths converged. We spoke regularly, checked up on each other, made sure we were all up to minute in news... we became closer. And Mom saw it. And it was good.
When Mom knew that we were good to take care of each other and of Daddy, she was able to leave her chains here and went on to experience complete healing... And my brothers and I became even closer.
I will never forget sitting at the funeral home with my friends during visitation while a video I had made for Mom and Dad's 50th anniversary played. I heard Mark telling several people how I had put the video together and what a good job I had done, and it struck me. I had always thought that he thought I was just a goofy, flighty girl. But he seemed kind of proud of me. I know mom saw that too... and she was proud.
Since then we have all worked together, taking care of Daddy, and each other. Now that the economy has hit us hard, Mark has helped my little family by bragging about Jim's skills and getting him hired for several projects. And here are many stories I could tell, but this is a blog after all, and not a novel. But I have to share this most recent story.
This past week, we had reached the point where, despite scrimping and saving and tightening the belt to the point that it was cutting off circulation, we had ran out of paycheck before we ran out of bills. I made a lighthearted quip about it on facebook which Gina pressed me on. The next thing I knew, Mike was at my door, with money to pay the bill to keep the lights on. He told me that it from him and Mark and they were just helping their little sister.
And I know that lights are brilliant in Heaven in a way that we can't imagine here, but I'm sure that in that moment, all Heaven turned towards Mom because she was beaming brightest of all.
You did a great job Mom! It's difficult but I am going to do my best to fill your shoes!
Happy Mother's Day!